For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage

Introduction

The Scientific Study of Marriage

The mystery of why some marriages succeed while others fail is something men and women have been trying to sort out for decades. What qualities make some people more successful at navigating the stormy waters of love while others lose their way? Why do some couples seem happy together while others are happiest apart? And is there any way to protect a marriage from the risks of stress, negativity, and divorce?

The answers to those questions come from a surprising place. Far from the therapy couch or self-help gurus, the best insights about love and relationships are coming from the scientific community. Top relationship researchers from dozens of universities around the world have devoted their careers to observing couples interact, collecting voluminous amounts of data about how men and women communicate, both in the words they use and in their body language and facial expressions. They have tracked pulse rates, blood pressure levels, and other physical responses that occur when couples talk, laugh, and argue. Scientists have even measured the effect marital conflict and stress can have on the immune system and the body’s ability to fight off colds or heal a wound. Brain scan studies of the newly in love and the long married offer glimpses into the physiological underpinnings of both passionate and lasting romantic love.

It’s now possible to deconstruct a marriage down to its most basic parts and predict, with surprising accuracy, the likelihood that a marriage will survive or end in divorce. Using computer-assisted coding programs and body sensors, scientists have analyzed thousands of hours of video recorded conversations between couples, tracking everything from facial movements and body language to pulse rate, sweat, and skin temperature. Computer-assisted word analysis programs have allowed researchers to pick apart conversations between couples and find meaning hidden in the rhythms and patterns of the words couples use when they communicate.

The insights these researchers have gained will give you an entirely new way of looking at your own relationship. The findings can be translated into surprisingly practical advice for couples. A gesture as seemingly minor as eye rolling or the manner in which a man retells the story of how he met his wife can be strong predictors of happy married life or a looming divorce. Scientists have even applied mathematical models to marriage, calculating, for instance, that strong marriages have at least a five-to-one daily ratio of positive to negative interactions. Simply translated, that means it’s not enough to apologize for mistreating your spouse. For every mistake you make, you need to offer five more good moments, kind words, and loving gestures to keep your marriage in balance.

Scientists have also studied divorce and can now tell couples what risk factors make their marriages most vulnerable. How couples argue, who starts the fight, and even the pronouns they use in conversation can all signal the success or failure of a marriage. Age differences, children, how often a couple has sex, and numerous other factors have all been studied in a daunting scientific quest to apply the logic and rigors of science to one of the most complex emotional relationships of our lives.

The good news from the study of marriage is that today, far more people are succeeding at marriage than failing. While that may run counter to the conventional wisdom, in reading this book you’ll learn the truth behind marriage and divorce statistics and why marriage today is stronger than it has been in decades.

You’ll also discover that assessing the overall health of your marriage (or the marriage potential of a prospective partner) is easier than you think. The trick is learning to distinguish between the normal, everyday conflicts and frustrations of human relationships and to focus on the real issues that may be standing in the way of a better relationship.

Did you know that solving your money problems can help solve your marital problems? Or that when you fight with your partner, the first three minutes of the argument count the most? Or that the division of housework duties in a home can have a direct impact on a couple’s sex life?

Whether you are embarking on a new marriage, hoping to rescue a troubled relationship, longing to get it right the second time around, or simply looking for ways to improve a good marriage, the scientific study of marriage has resulted in simple, practical advice for determining what matters most in a relationship and where to focus your energy to make it better.

My interest in the science of marriage stems from my own search for answers. As a longtime health writer who has spent hours reading medical and scientific journals, I often urge readers to take charge of their health and make decisions based on the available scientific evidence. But when my own seventeen-year marriage began to crumble, I found myself struggling to make sense of it. Bookstore shelves are filled with marriage advice books and self-help guides, but I couldn’t relate to the “straight talk” and platitudes found in most of them. I knew where to look for answers about heart disease, diabetes, allergies, and numerous other health issues, and I wanted the same objective, evidence-based advice about my marriage.

Using the Internet and medical and social science databases, I began to search for research on marriage and relationships. I was stunned to find a vast world of marital science beyond the self-help aisle. For decades, numerous scientists, from universities around the world, have been churning out credible, quantitative research filled with practical advice about marital health.

As a result, I set out to explore what science has taught us about lasting relationships and the complexities of courtship, love, and marriage. Over the past few years I’ve interviewed dozens of the world’s top marriage and relationship researchers and pored over hundreds of published research studies.

I’ve seen seemingly happy marriages, including my own, come to an end. Many had fallen victim to infidelity, while others seemed to crumble under the burdens of parenting and the demands of modern living. Could any of us have known that it would end this way? Should we have seen it coming? Was there a way to inoculate a relationship from the devastation of divorce?

The answer to all these questions is yes. Understanding the science of marriage gives us a crystal ball of sorts, to better predict which relationships will work and who will struggle to stay together. I realize now that had I known more about the basic scientific truths of love and marriage, I would have seen the limits of my own relationship from the beginning and noticed the telltale signs of trouble years sooner. Armed with the knowledge, I might have made better choices that could have helped save my marriage, or at least given me more confidence about the choice my husband and I made to end our relationship.

What’s so important about this scientific study of marriage is that it views the most important relationship of our life as a significant health issue that affects us both physically and emotionally. The goal is to diagnose and treat marital problems just as a doctor would diagnose and treat cancer, diabetes, or any other important health concern.

And just as doctors know that certain lifestyle habits influence disease risk, the scientific quest to better understand marriage has helped us identify important risk factors for divorce. Researchers have found practical ways that couples can better insulate a marriage against failure. And there’s even advice to help long-married couples reignite the passion and excitement that they experienced during the early romance of their courtship.

Each chapter of this book will explore the science behind various aspects of marriage, such as monogamy, love, sex, children, money, housework, and conflict. Most important, this book will translate the science of marriage into practical, actionable advice—a prescription for marital health—that you can use to improve your relationship. In some chapters, you’ll even find the measurement scales and quizzes researchers use to gauge the quality of a relationship or the depth of passion and commitment couples feel.

My hope is that in reading this book, you will gain insights about yourself, your relationship, and possibly even the marriages of your parents, in-laws, and others closest to you. While the title of this book and much of the research it explores focuses on marriage, the lessons learned often are applicable to any couple hoping to pursue a committed, long-term relationship. Understanding the science of love and marriage can help single people make better choices in the pursuit of their ideal mate. For some readers, the science may empower them to extricate themselves from a doomed relationship. But hopefully, for most readers, the findings will arm them with the information they need to save a struggling relationship or strengthen a good one, giving them a specific prescription to boost the health of the most profound relationship of their lives.

Saving or improving your marriage is worth the effort. Research shows that couples in stable relationships have more sex, more money, and live longer, healthier lives. Whether you are content in a long, stable relationship, in the idealistic throes of early romantic love, or leaving a failed marriage in hopes of doing better next time around, the scientific study of marriage has put the secrets of long term love and happiness within your grasp.