How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign: The Ultimate Horrorscope - Softcover

How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign
How Do You Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign?  
 
Some men might seem like natural-born bastards. Others will appear to have grown into the role over a period of time and a life of hard knocks. Don't be fooled. So far as men and their less appealing characteristics go, genetic makeup and social conditioning have got absolutely nothing to do with it. Put simply, all men are bastards by dint of their star signs. It might be the disgraceful state of their attire. It might be the abysmal state of their bank accounts. It might even be their very questionable states of mind. Whatever. This guide will show you how to spot and get rid of each and every one of these astrological losers, without the use of telescopes or telescopic rifles. Of course, what you choose to do with the information athand is entirely up to you. The hard-core man-hating element among you will no doubt use it to embarrass, emasculate, and/or shoot any guy who dares to come near you. The middle-of-the-road majority will pick and choose which male-baiting snippets to believe depending upon who you love or loathe at the time. And the utterly hopeless romantics in our midst will ignore our advice completely because, after all, your future unhappiness depends upon it. Last but not least, those few-and-far-between male readers out there will probably deem our findings to be pure pop psychology and pseudoscientific mumbo jumbo. Well, tough. We prefer to term it painstaking, self-sacrificing, and bone-cringingly honest research conducted over a number of years with a number of bastards for the benefit of women everywhere. We're-Hot-So-Shut-Up-and-Worship-Us FIRE SIGNS Aries, Leo, Sagittarius Out-of-control control freaks. Untalented show-offs. Ignorant know-it-alls. And that's their good points. These self-proclaimed demi-gods will try to get your attention at the merest hint of provocation (e.g., you happen to be in the same room as them). Fire Sign bastards are always better than you and will never fail to tell you so. They'll then hammer the fact home by telling you again--just in case you didn't hear them the first time. Dare to disagree and they'll act in their usual endearing way. They'll start yelling, turn puce, and then hurl themselves to the ground with much thrashing about of arms and legs. Five minutes later they'll get back up again and act as if nothing's happened. Real astrologers like to call this their "quick-temperedness." We like to call men in white coats. Of course, you could choose to ignore Fire Sign bastards and hope they'll just go away. Like, right. Why go off and voluntarily die when they can be humored 1,445 minutes a day? However, if the thought of kneeling at their feet in mock wonder does make you want to throw up, don't worry. You won't have to do it for long. Fire Sign bastards are such temperamental, competitive sons of bastards, they usually die early of heart attacks. The Aries Bastard March 21-April 20 Once upon a time, in the Dark Ages, there was this quaint little term known as a man's man. Nobody knew quite what it meant. Except the poor unfortunate thing who was the man's man's woman--and she died a horrible death when she willfully stuck her head in the oven unto which she was chained. Then come more enlightened times and in minces the sensitive New Age Feeling Fellow. All of a sudden, a man's man surely must mean a gentleman of the pink persuasion and, gee, don't those scented candles look too, too, utterly utterly? Meanwhile, back at the ranch, deep in the woods, a solitary male is yelling at the top of his lungs, beating a tom-tom and sticking pins into a blow-up doll that looks a lot like Gloria Steinem. This sad, lost soul is the Aries guy. Bewildered by beauty myths, dumbfounded by day-care centers, and completely baffled by consensual sex, he holds on to his masculinity as tightly as he holds on to his manhood (which is throbbing, if you must know). Boy, does he yearn for the times when men were men and women were grateful. Being the only man's man left in existence, it's lonely for him at the bottom of the food chain--even the amoebas, given the chance, opt to mate with themselves. And thank bloody Christ for that. Aries is such a chauvinist he'd root for truffles if he knew what truffles actually are. He'sexactly the type of guy who thinks any man who buys scented candles is a friend of Dorothy. So if the bastard you fancy puts on Vivaldi in the evening, whips up a nice little souffle à deux, and then settles down to read Jane Austen to you, he's almost certainly gay and he's definitely not Aries. Because even an Aries queen would be down at the local hellfire club, dressed to the cat-o'-nines and slugging back Frangelico with his like-minded friends. All Aries men enjoy hanging out in bars with their friends. And even the dead-straight homophobic one doesn't think twice about getting sentimental with them when he's drunk. In fact, you'll swear he must be an open-and-shut closet case since he spends far more time hugging and kissing other guys than he ever does you. The real reason this revolting creature prefers the company of men is because he has no choice. No right-thinking woman with two opposable thumbs and lack of tail can bear the thought of being in the same room at the same time as him. He exudes so much testoterone that not only will the fine hairs on the nape of a woman's neck stand up, they'll actually go through a rapid growth spurt. If you are unfortunate enough to be stuck in an enclosed space with Aries, it's best just to smile as vacuously as you can and nod your head at appropriate intervals--because you won't understand a single word he's saying. English is his second language, grunting is his first. And all he can grunt about is himself, his career, his sporting achievements, and how feminists would be a lot less uptight if he gave them all a good fuck. Of course, good and fuck are polar opposites when it comes to this rock-throwing Romeo. One night with Aries is enough toget thee, Traci Lords, to the nunnery. To put it as delicately as we can, let's just say that you won't actually have time to count all the cracks on the ceiling. Despite his obvious lack of sexual stamina, the Aries bastard feels biologically compelled to pursue any number of luckless ladies with a vengeance verging on primeval. His courting tactics are as subtle as a sledghammer and not half as useful. So for God's sake don't play hard to get. It'll only encourage him. He'll use gorilla tactics to win you over. And why shouldn't you be flattered to be woken at three in the morning to see his great hairy face leering through your fifth-floor bedroom window? Especially when you're entertaining a guest who just so happens to be male, totally hetero, and sensitive to boot. Said guest is likely to be kicked by said boot out of aforementioned window (which is closed). Walls will be perforated, furniture dismantled, and sincere apologies extracted from you who are, by now, a sobbing heap in the corner, putting the women's movement back centuries. As he's just proven and which he'll take great pains to point out--he's not in the least bit jealous or possessive. It's just that he likes the idea of loyalty and faithfulness. From you, that is. He'll stay faithful for as long as you stay perfect. Which you're not. Which he'll tell you. Ad nauseam. (Little-known fact here: Not only is the Aries bastard God's gift to women, he actually is God. And we all know what happens to those who don't believe in God. However, a few years with Aries and hell will suddenly seem like a really inviting option.) If you want to know you can't drive, your hair is a mess, and you could do with a self-help course, then you can't go wrong with Aries. Funnily enough, it's not the same the other way around. This hypocritical oaf is quite capable of pointing out your dimply thighs without giving so much as a thought to his own disgusting flab. Don't bother pointing this out to him, though--the subtleties of irony will be lost in translation. So if you like being told what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, this one's for you. If you have a mind of your own and occasionally like to use it, tell him to get lost. But put the kettle on and warm his slippers before you go. If you do decide to leave, don't expect him to take it lying down. Lying down is your job. In the game of life, the expression gracious in defeat is hard enough for Aries to pronounce, let alone practice. Beat him at something as trivial as Scrabble and he'll proclaim--once he's started speaking to you again--that Scrabble is a game of luck, requires absolutely no intelligence, and besides, you got all the As, Bs and Cs and he got all the Qs, Xs and Zs and no vowels whatsoever. Of course, no matter which way you play it you can't win. Because he's even more unbearable on the extremely rare occasion he does manage to outwit you. He'll crow that Scrabble is a game of skill and rant on about how he managed to make really big words like cat out of very hard letters like C, A, and T. (Note: If he does attempt to be humble in victory, he's just fishing for compliments. Don't give him any.) Since Aries can't cope with you beating him at a board game, it therefore follows he'll be positively suicidal if you outdo him in the boardroom. So quit before you get ahead. Because if you do start scoring more fame, fortune, and frequent-flier points than him, he'll just try to get you pregnant.  
HOW TO SPOT ONE Throw peanuts. If he catches them in his mouth, he's probably Aries. But if he then starts beating his chest and picking lint off your clothes, he's definitely Aries.  
WHERE TO FIND ONE Commandeering a cave. Moving his lips while reading The Cat in the Hat. Or marching at a Real Men Against Women's Rights to Answer Back rally. If he's in the kitchen, he's obviously lost.  
HOW TO INTRIGUE ONE This is tricky because you need to be two things at once. You've got to be loud and obnoxious so he thinks he's found his soul mate. At the same time you must show your soft, feminine side so his masculinity isn't threatened. The best way to do both simultaneously is to hurl spitballs at the pavement while taking care not to hit your Laura Ashley frock.  
THE FIRST DATE He'll either take you to the zoo to meet his family or else he'll invite you to the annual Especially Privileged Ladies Night at the Lodge and tell you what you'd like to eat, how much you'd like to drink, and be horrified when you attempt to open your mouth for anything other than eating.  
WHEN TO DO THE DEED Whenever. If he doesn't have honorable intentions, he'll think you're trash but have sex with you anyway. If he does like you, he'll still have sex with you and then wake you up to propose.  
WHEN TO POP THE QUESTION Don't. That's a man's job. Just relax and enjoy your independence while you still have it. You'll have years to regret giving it up.  
IF HE DUMPS YOU Forget him. Since the Aries bastard is incapable of admitting he's wrong--particularly in front of a woman--he's hardly likely to come loping back into your life declaring it was all a big mistake. If he does, it's only because no other woman will have him.  
IF YOU DUMP HIM He'll chase you because it won't occur to him that you can ignore his sheer animal magnetism. Keep running. He'll trip over his knuckles sooner or later. The Leo Bastard July 24-August 23 Introductory note: It must be pointed out that Mr. Leo's play is yet to be performed in a real theater. But we are informed by Mr. Leo this is due to protracted negotiations with producers in New York who are terribly anxious to buy the rights. Indeed--as Mr. Leo himself said--this play has Broadway written all over it. And even taking into account this is the first play Mr. Leo has penned--in fact his first piece of creative writing since high school--we have to say (because he is forcing us to), he is an outstanding master of the genre. This is a model modern short play. It displays an art of construction one usually only expects from the most revered and respected of writers. (Is that enough?) His dialogue, too, is worthy of much praise. Its deftness defies description: it never halts; it moves from beginning to end without a dull moment. And it's so amazingly true to life. Except wittier. And sharper. And more poignant. Its sheer brilliance will astound you and leave you gasping for more. (There, satisfied now?) We truly appreciate Mr. Leo's generosity in allowing us to print his amazing, soon-to-be-much-lauded play in this most unworthy tome. THE LOVES OF LEO1 Written by Leo. Produced by Leo. Directed by Leo. Starring Leo.  
IMPORTANT: No performance of this play may be given unless written permission has been obtained from Leo and he is allowed to produce, direct, and star in it. CAST OF CHARACTERS Leo, played by himself (the unbelievably dashing, irresistible, courageous-- not to mention terrifically handsome-- hero of the play, around whom all the action revolves) Beautiful Heroine, played by you (minor though important supporting role) Beautiful Heroine's More Beautiful Rival, in this instance played by Catherine Zeta-Jones (This is the role every other woman on earth is vying for. The purpose of this character is to make the heroine realize just what she is up against and to make her suitably grateful when Leo finally chooses her.) Much Less Exciting Man, played by someone like Brad Pitt (This role is really just that of an extra--a clever plot device to point out how inferior all other men are to Leo. Naturally, there is no chance of the heroine or any other woman in the world preferring this lesser man to Leo.) Beautiful Maid, played by you ( again, another minor though important supporting role) Very Appreciative Audience, played by you, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and all the other women in the world.  
N.B. All the characters are in modern costume. Leo is wearing flawless, immaculately tailored evening clothes that set off his hair, height and coloring perfectly. As for the rest of the cast, well, it doesn't really matter what they're wearing, does it? ACT ONE Scene: The tastefully and delightfully appointed living room of Leo's house. Beautiful Heroine, Beautiful Heroine's More Beautiful Rival, and Much Less Exciting Man are all present and seated. [Very Appreciative Audience is also present but not visible.] There is an air of melancholy about the three as they are all desperately missing the sparkling presence of their charming host who has momentarily left the room. After a couple of suspense-filled minutes, the drawing room doors are flung open with a flourish and Leo enters, causing the whole room to look brighter as a result of his charming, sparkling presence. Leo : [looking around] Hello, everybody. Why so glum? Have you been missing the sparkling presence of your charming host? [ Very Appreciative Audience bursts into wild applause, making it impossible for the play to continue for about five minutes.] Leo: [starting to speak amid the subsiding applause, longing sighs, and occasional fainting of a member of Very Appreciative Audience--showing all the world he is not the egotist he is wrongfullyreported to be] Well? [Once again, Leo shows why he is regarded as the savior of the lost art of conversation.] Beautiful Heroine and Beautiful Heroine's More Beautiful Rival: [in unison while gazing adoringly at Leo--as on...